Glitter Is Evil, Dangerous, Deadly

Posted on April 19, 2012 by


All classrooms have rules, and English teacher Zachary Houp’s classroom is no different. The normal rules apply: no cellphones in class, raise your hand if you have a question, et cetera. But in Mr. Houp’s room, there is one truly bizarre rule: NO GLITTER!

Houp defends himself by saying, “It gets all over me, it never comes off, and it makes me look magical.”

But he is not the only one who shares this opinion.

“It makes art look tacky; it cheapens it,” art teacher Diane Chisdak said.

“Unless you’re going for tacky, avoid it” art teacher Elaine Hilbert said.

Some hate glitter for the gratuitous amounts of glitter in today’s movies.

“I’ve hated glitter ever since Edward Cullen made it a guy thing,” a source who wishes to remain nameless said.

Another anonymous source agreed: “I used to like glitter, and then I saw Twilight. That was a major turn off.”

“Every student who has Houp should be supplied with glitter,” Sarah Wilkinson, one of the school’s most beloved English teachers and Houp’s nemesis, mischievously said.

These sparkly flakes have an unknown history. Most history records state that glitter was invented by Henry Ruschmann either in 1934 or shortly after World War II. Some say that, during World War II, aircrafts would release glitter to throw off any enemy’s tracking system, resulting in a hasty surrender.

“The devil created glitter,” Houp said.

Whether it’s magical pixie dust or tiny pieces of plastic, glitter will stick around much longer than most would like it to do.

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